Damn, Why Do I Feel So Guilty (Long Story but Please Read)?
On one hand, I’m pissed off at my mom. (please read: http://answers.yahoo.com/question/index;_ylt=AgCsiKdMW7PIH6runcpDUrXsy6IX;_ylv=3?qid=20100405130452AAH6P1g)
She yells at me all the time even though I do so much to not stress her out…I convinced her to kick out my abusive dad (I almost committed suicide because of that prick and he used to slip harmful food to my disabled sister who has PKU). She said that none of the turmoil in our house would go away just because my dad leaves…that it’s "everyone’s" fault that we’re so unhappy. But really she just mean it’s mine and my brother’s fault. Well, my brother really is selfish and mean. He’d rather spend time with his girlfriend than help with my sister while I’m in the hospital for my PCOS. But I deal with all my teachers and school affairs (I’m home schooled), I deal with all my doctors appointments and attend them by myself since my mom works full time, I babysit my sister and will drop ALL my plans at a moment’s notice if I’m needed around the house. One time my mom wanted to go out of state for the weekend to attend a meeting with some doctors in order to find a cure for my sister’s rare illness. The meeting happened to occur on the same day as my theatre school class (which I love and am paying 0 for). I didn’t complain one bit when she said I’d have to babysit. I just told her to tell me when the plans were finalized so I could call and let the school know that I wasn’t going (they ended up canceling because the person who was supposed to drive my mom there got sick with the flu). But lately I’ve been sick so I don’t even have the drive to watch my sister correctly or do my chores. I leave my clothes all over the house not because I want to be lazy, but because my room is on the third floor and every time I walk up there I feel like I’m gonna die (I have ovarian cysts and they hurt when I exercise at all). The house often smells like cat piss because I keep the litter box in my room so I don’t forget to clean it but lately I’ve been sleeping on the second floor close to the bathroom…And no one even bothers to help me out by cleaning the litter box or washing the dishes for me (well my mom washes dishes for me sometimes).
I mean, in her defense, I KNOW it’s stressful trying to find the cure for a rare disorder all while trying to feed and clothe a family of four. She often has to argue down the bill collectors and whatnot because they try to screw her over and stuff. Plus she has to raise my pain-in-the-a** brother who skips school, doesn’t do any chores without complaining about it first, and spends all his time outside with his girlfriend.Typical sixteen year old boy.
But jeez, I’m already going on seventeen and I don’t have any social life except the bunch of twelve and thirteen year old kids in my theatre class. I don’t like asking mom for money but I can’t get a job at the moment with my illness. I don’t really have a problem with my chores. Really. I don’t mind babysitting or anything, but I just hate when she calls me self centered or selfish! It just pisses me off so much for some reason! Usually I’ll just brush it off because I know she’s scared for my sister and stressed out (her health isn’t that great either) but lately I just feel so swamped. And I can’t just up and leave because of how compromised my sister is and because we recently fired our nurse because she was secretly smoking in our bathroom (the neighbors caught her and told us about it). Still, I just feel like I want to get away, by myself, or with some good friends (too bad I haven’t had a single friend for the past four years). Sometimes I imagine myself in a huge condo with a friendly dog somewhere in a city that’s alive with interesting people and lots of places to go to and see…without my family there. And I feel so guilty for it. On the other hand, I feel like I have my own problems to deal with…for instance my PCOS requires me to take all kinds of hormone pills and they cause me to gain weight. I’m already 90lbs overweight, can’t help but sleep all the time, and I feel disgusting. I can’t even practice musical theatre or dance for exercise like I used to because of these damn cysts. I just feel like I don’t like having all these problems AND having her yell in my face too. But at the same time I know she has problems as well…How do I sort out these insane feelings?!
And talking to her NEVER works…she just convinces me to see her way as the "right way" sooner or later because when I try to voice or write my opinions, I always lose track of what I was thinking and end up not having a valid argument…Probably a result of my dad’s mental abuse and the fact that I can never keep track of my thoughts but that’s how it is.
What can I do?!
Wow, you really are in a tough situation: I’m very sorry your life is hard right now, but I’m sure it will get better.
First, are you being treated for your illness? that is VERY important.
Second, I think you need to make some life changes to simplify your life for the time being. Consider moving to the second floor so you don’t have to climb the stairs so much. Keep a laundry basket at the bottom of the stairs so you can accumulate stuff there that has to go upstairs, that will cut down the clutter [making your mom happy] and make your day a little easier. Buy some clumping, flush-able cat litter, and move the litter box to the bathroom. It will only take seconds to keep it clean that way.
Third, try and establish better communication with your mom. Start by expressing your love and appreciation for her on a daily basis: she needs to hear that right now. Don’t let every conversation be about you and your needs. If you give a little attention and affection, you will begin to get some back. I know it’s not fair, but life never really is.
Good luck!